I was talking with some coworkers at my school the other day when one of them (a male) asked me what I’ve been listening to lately. He knows that I also work as a doula, so I didn’t think anything of it when I answered that I’d been listening to the audiobook Birthing From Within (by Pam England & Rob Horwitz).
As soon as I said this, both my coworkers whipped their heads and looked at me with discomfort and what I’m pretty sure was slight disgust. The female coworker asked what it was about, and I explained how so far, it was about preparing yourself mentally for birth (I didn’t think they were really interested to hear the specifics). At this point, the male coworker shied away, mumbling something about how awkward it was and that he was sorry he asked. I just kinda laughed it off and changed the subject, but I couldn’t stop thinking about this conversation for the rest of the week.
Why is it so awkward for grown adults to even mention childbirth, when it is something that quite literally none of us would be here without? How did topics around menstruation, pregnancy, and birth become so shameful that it’s embarrassing to discuss?
In my research over the past year or so, I’ve come to understand that this shame didn’t happen by accident, but is a tool of the oppressive systems that want to control women (& their bodies) and strip them of their power.
A woman’s first menstruation used to be a time of celebration as she entered a new phase of her life. Monthly menstruation times were seen as sacred, when women were the most connected to their intuitions. Pregnancy and childbirth were natural parts of life, where women were cared for & celebrated. Birth wasn’t something to be scared of, but something to embrace. A time to lean on the other women in your community, knowing you’d be supported every step of the way. Childbirth wisdom was passed down among generations because people freely spoke about these topics, instead of wincing at the mere thought of giving birth.
However, in more recent history (only the past few thousand years or so), patriarchal societies deliberately changed the narrative in order to strip women of their power. In the past few hundred years, especially in the United States, women have been conditioned to be quiet and hide the “shameful” parts of themselves for their safety. But here’s the thing – the shame isn’t real. It’s a lie fed to us by society. And by continuing to hide those parts of ourselves, we are inadvertently upholding the false narrative that there is anything to be shameful of in the first place.
It is becoming more clear to me than ever that now is the time that things need to change, and we are the ones who need to make that change. I can’t keep sitting around waiting for others to speak up and create the world that I want to live in. We each have a real responsibility to ourselves and each other to show up authentically and reclaim the parts of ourselves that have been cast as shameful, especially related to menstruation and childbirth.
It’s not just an issue of not being able to talk about these topics. There are very real consequences to this lack of discourse. Women have historically been invisible for much of medical research and history (even in the history of gynecology, but that’s a story for another day). Women’s healthcare does not get the attention it deserves so that we can find solutions to real problems that women face each day. Many people do not have access to quality healthcare, or their reproductive rights are being stripped away and they’re no longer able to make decisions about their own bodies. People are quite literally dying from this lack of discourse.
Between one third and half of all new mothers experience trauma related to childbirth (Beck, 2018), and much of this trauma could be avoided by better care from the systems that are supposed to be protecting us in the first place. I refuse to accept that this is the best that we as a society can offer to the people who are giving life to all future generations.
Some people in our society today still face very real threats to their safety and bodily autonomy. In the United States, women of color, Indigenous women, members of the LGBTQIA+ community, immigrant women, women with disabilities, and women of lower economic status are especially at risk for threats to their bodies and their lives. Some women are truly unable to safely speak up and start changing the narrative because it could cost them their livelihood or their lives.
We must stand with these women, for these women, and use our voices to be the change.
Maybe we can’t change the entire system within our lifetime. But we can take steps to create the society we want to live in and that we want to raise our children in.
I firmly believe that everyone has their own role to play in creating a better world. We need more people to show up authentically as themselves and share their gifts with the world. I know my passion lies here – in being part of the change to improve outcomes and lives for women and people with uteruses throughout the world.
This may look like contacting your lawmakers, donating to organizations, and showing up at marches. It may also look like supporting a fellow woman as she navigates her healthcare, childbirth, or postpartum journey. It could also look just like learning more about your own body and being open to talking more about it within your group of friends and family.
There is no right way to be part of this change. But, if you have the privilege to do so, the only wrong way to do it is to not show up at all.
Source:
Beck CT, Watson S, Gable RK. Traumatic Childbirth and Its Aftermath: Is There Anything Positive? J Perinat Educ. 2018 Jun;27(3):175-184. doi: 10.1891/1058-1243.27.3.175. PMID: 30364308; PMCID: PMC6193358.